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  • David Borman III

Depression

Updated: Feb 11


Depression. A word I learned first hand beginning in March of this year. I was plagued with the feelings of insignificance. Lost in my own thoughts about myself. Trying to escape a perception of myself only I had. Depression is a voice in the bottom of my heart that screams that I’m not good enough. It’s a compare and contrast constantly. It highlights and exacerbates any shortcomings one may have. Picking out our insufficiencies with a fine tooth comb. Depression is the name of the war the heart wages against the mind. I am the battlefield. The heart screams; the mind whispers The heart demands; the mind suggests The heart shatters into dangerous shards of insecurities; the mind affirms with logic and reason. The heart doesn’t speak logically. The heart places no value on reason. The heart speaks in the tongue of judgement and exaggeration. Hyperbolic statements of how my mediocrity is inescapable. Never allowing for a moment of clarity. We are seemingly capable of nothing our mind tells us when our heart is wandering Our mind says “Get up. Be better.” Our heart stomps out these words with emphatic repetition of the words “What is wrong with you?” And my mind speaks back “Nothing.” but the heart takes no prisoners. The heart allows no time in response or reprieve. The heart becomes what it is scared of being most. Fragile. Broken. Alone For me to be with others is to be free of my illness. At least for a little while. To be with friends and family is to see my value in their eyes. To feel my worth in their words. To be set free of the bondage of my perception. Losing to depression isn’t losing to reality. Losing to depression is losing to a hard-forged perception of one’s self. This perception of congruent mediocrity which lives inside of the depressed. Today I got out of bed and tried to leave depression under the blankets. I walked the dog and made some breakfast. Maybe it worked? Getting in the car to head to school and depression was waiting in the passenger seat. Because learning to live with depression isn’t learning to get rid of depression. Without the dark I wouldn’t love the light. Today I’m learning how to embrace depression. Accepting my condition and trying to be one step ahead of it. For me this means medicine, therapy, supportive friends, inspiring music, and a great dog. If you or someone you love is struggling with depression, you are not alone. It gets better. Check out any of these amazing resources National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255 Crisis Textline: Text 741741 from anywhere in the USA to text with a trained Crisis Counselor Find A Therapist: https://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/ 


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